Passions of the Soul

Class of '67 - Repost

This post first appeared on December 2, 2007. In the second paragraph, below, I mentioned Jerry and Nadine, and Warren and Jan, friends from much farther back than college, all of whom I had hoped to see again, at our class reunion in November. Yes, it will have been five years since the last one. However, Nadine texted me, this morning, to tell me that Jan died a week ago today. In addition to being a quadraplegic with limited use of her arms and unrelieved burning pain in her spine, she had also suffered from cancer.

I am weepy, today, but I know that will pass. My sadness will gradually be replaced by joy that, as our faith tells us and we know in our hearts is true, Jan is now fully healed and whole. Not only that, but we will all enjoy another reunion, one day--unmatched by any earthly reunion--whether because we will all have died and gone on, or because our Lord Jesus Christ will have come to take up His Kingdom on earth. But my heart is also with Warren and their family, today, as they have lost a wife, mom and grandma. I pray that God has wrapped each of them individually, and all of them together, in the warm comfort of His Presence and peace.

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I'm a solid week and a half behind in writing this post, but it's high time I did.  I wish I'd been able to write it as soon as we returned from my 40-year college class reunion; why I wasn't able at that time is another story.

This was the first class reunion I had attended, and I'm so glad Bruce went with me.  It really was more than a class reunion, for me, though; I also reunited, reconnected with Jerry and Nadine, and Warren and Jan, who were my peers in our youth group before they ever paired off; and with Norm and Judy, who were the adult leaders of our group, in the church in which I grew up.  I should say they were very young adult leaders, being college students, still, when they began working with us.  Anyway, it had been roughly 35 years since I'd seen any of them.

I left college without graduating for the same reason many young women quit school:  to get married.  My then-husband and I moved away, but we were still in the loop, to some extent, for maybe 10 years.  Several years after that, tho', we divorced; that was the one of the first of the twists and turns in my life, to the point that I was out of touch with almost everyone.

During the reunion weekend, the reconnecting with old friends seemed to be filling up a hole in my soul.  Even several people that I had known, but not known well, in college, contributed to that sense of being filled.  I had kind of known the hole was there, but I had no idea how deep it went or how important it was--how important those people were to me.  The opportunity to sit and visit, to play catch-up with each other's lives, and just to have great fun during the reunion luncheon, could qualify for a part in one of those commercials--you know, "Travel to and from the class reunion:  $150.  Hotel room for two:  $100+/night.  Seeing old friends:  priceless."  And the cherry on top was that my husband enjoyed it as much as I did.  I've started a photo album (look in the right Side Bar), but I have more pictures to add and editing to do.*

It wasn't quite all fun, however.  As I mentioned in a post below, one of my friends is now in a wheelchair.  I learned from her that 25% of patients with spinal-cord injuries live with a constant, intense, burning pain that nothing even helps.  She is in the 25% group.  The grief I felt for her and her husband after their accident, years back, all came up again.  I just wanted to be able to put my arms around both of them and make it all better, and I don't have the power to do that.  Oh, how I wish I did.

But the luncheon was fun.  We discovered a couple of stand-up comedians in the group; I'm not sure what they do for a living, but Eddie and Clyde ought to hire an agent and take it on the road.  Everyone was congenial and ready to reminisce.  It did come as a bit of a shock, tho', that both the school song and mascot have been changed!  I shouldn't have been surprised; the college moved from Pasadena to San Diego in 1973, and that really did call for a change in the song.  Face it--locating in San Diego, on Point Loma, is a bit of a change from being "Nestled in the High Sierras!"  (I'm not sure Pasadena's exactly nestled in the High Sierras, but we did have some nice mountains to look at, when it wasn't too smoggy.)  Somewhere along the way, someone must have said, "You know, we're at the ocean.  We really ought to have a different mascot."  So the college is now represented by sea lions, rather than Charlie Crusader.  I wonder how that works on the basketball court....

I let 40 years go by before attending a class reunion; now, I can't wait for the next one.  Five years! Listen, at our age, a lot can change in that time.  Sigh.

UPDATE:  I have completed the Photo Album for PLNU Class of '67 Reunion.

Lay Down, or Die?

[I first drafted this post on February 24, 2012. It has sat ever so quietly in the Draft folder, until I opened the folder and took it out, a short while ago.]

I John 3:16 - "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

Ephesians 5:25 - "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Back in May, 1972--it might have been 1973--I sat in a Layman's Retreat in Prescott, AZ, over a weekend. The speaker was my former professor and much loved friend, Reuben Welch. That weekend, we all listened to Reuben bring light and life to I John. Tempting though it is for me to try to capsulize the four messages of the weekend, I will focus on just one part: What does it mean that Christ laid down His life for us, and for us to lay down our lives for the brothers (other believers)? The basic interpretation comes from Reuben's teaching, but as I read in I John 3 several days ago, I nearly jumped out of my seat as my understanding hit Refresh and broadened, just a bit.

The basic idea: The verb that is translated lay down life is not the verb to die; it means put it down--as in, put it on the table; put it down over there; just lay it down wherever you see a place. That kind of laying it down. Our troops who are or have been overseas lay, or have laid down their lives for us, every day, and too many of them have died, in the process.

Caveat: I realize Bible scholars often disagree on such translations or meanings, in part, because they rely on differing manuscripts. I allow for that possibility in this instance, but I offer two qualifiers: 
    - First, Reuben studied Hebrew under a rabbi, while in seminary; later, he taught New Testament Greek at Point Loma Nazarene University, in San Diego, AZ. 
    - Second, I, not a Bible scholar, am writing now out of my own reading of the verses and passages identified. 

Continuing: Some of the ways Jesus laid down His life for us, before He died for us: He left His home in heaven, where He enjoyed the worship of the angels, the love of His Father, the glory of His throne; where He acted in creation--it was Christ who created the heavens and the earth, and "without him, nothing was made that was made" (John 1:1-3). He left all of that to come to the earth He had created and to live among the people he had made (John 1:14).

While here, He laid down His divinity (Philippians 2:6-8*), spoke only the words that the Father gave Him and acted only as the Father directed Him. In short, He lived as we ought to live, in total dependence on the Father--which does not mean excising our brains, but living in full humility as children of God and branches of the Vine (John 15). (I am not preaching, I'm processing!)

Here is what I read last week, in I Jn. 16-18:

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

How often have we said or heard someone else say, "Love is an action verb"? It's true! As I read this passage, what jumped out at me is simply this: To lay down our lives for others means sharing with others in need out of who we are and what we have. This passage speaks of material possessions, but with time and study, I'll bet I could make a case for extrapolating it: Laying down my life means not holding back. It means acting as I can, where I see a need.

In fact, I now remember that, in trying to help us understand what it meant to lay down our lives, Reuben contrasted that concept with holding back on who we are and what we have.

But what does this have to do with the verse in Ephesians 5? That was the reading for today per our church's Bible reading plan for 2012. There I discovered that, even in the study note for v. 25, the words "Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" are interpreted in terms of His death. As I read on, my mind said, "Nooooooo!" If the context of death is correct, then Paul's admonition to husbands to love their wives "as Christ loved the church" has to mean that husbands are to die for their wives. I don't want my husband to die for me!

But Bruce does lay his life down for me every single day, in a wide variety of ways. He so often does little things, simply because he knows they will make a piece of life easier for me, whether it's removing the inner seal on the next half-gallon of milk or moving a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. He shows his love for me in a hundred different ways, every day. Or at least fifty different ways.

So there you have it. The scriptures cited, according to Vicki: Whether it's laying down our lives or giving ourselves up for our spouses or others, when we do so, we are loving as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her . . . for us, praise God.

Philippians 2:6-8:

⁶Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death —
        even death on a cross!

Divorced? Or Just "Put Away"?

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery" Matthew 5:31-32 (KJV).

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery" Matthew 5:31-32 (NIV).

The practice of putting away a wife was a cruel, utterly unloving act common among generations of God-fearing Jewish men. In these two verses, Jesus condemned the practice and told his listeners what was the right way--God's way.

What was cruel and unloving about putting away a wife? Some men, when they tired of a wife or she had displeased him, simply banished her to the back quarters, or to the concubine's quarters. They denied her all rights of marriage and treated her as something that could simply be thrown away. In many cases, they put the woman out on the streets, usually forcing her into prostitution or slavery in order to survive. These men provided no legal document granting her a divorce, which would have allowed her to be legally married to another man, and they robbed her of all dignity. And, in a practice that was even more unfair, the man usually took another wife. (See note at end of post.)

If the wife, cast into the streets, were to accept an offer of marriage to another man, they were both guilty of adultery; of course, if she simply offered her body to any man who would pay for the pleasure, she was an adulteress.

But Jesus said, "Look, gentlemen. If you insist on getting rid of your wife, at least give her a legal divorce, so she can retain some dignity and be free to marry, again, with no charge of adultery" (my paraphrase).

Notice the very first line in the King James Version: "Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement." If putting away and divorcing were the same thing, this command would make no sense, at all; it would be redundant, as in the New International Version and many other modern translations. It would rate a duh. Only in the last line of the KJV is the word for putting away translated divorced. That has to be an error in translation, as a certificate of divorce did allow a woman to marry again, and it allowed the man who married her to do so legally. No adultery was involved, as long as a legal divorce had been granted.

A Horse Thief Finds Love

Title:  Lilly’s Wedding Quilt: A Patch of Heaven Novel ****
Author:  Kelly Long
Published by Thomas Nelson, 2011
312 pages, paperback

            Jacob Wyse has just stolen a horse. This is not acceptable behavior in civilized society, and certainly not in an Old Order Amish community. The horse’s Englisch owner is none too pleased, either, venting his displeasure with a well-aimed gun.

             Lilly Lapp is late for the wedding of the season. Local police had come by, wanting to search her outlying property for the wounded horse thief. As if any Amish person would steal a horse! Well, it could happen, but . . . it was unlikely.

             So, now, she is trying to encourage her buggy horse, Ruler, to step lively, in the hope of reaching the home where the wedding is already in progress, before the storm gets too bad. But the rain turns to sleet, which then turns to snow; Ruler is uneasy, and the King family’s barn—the site of the wedding--is still two miles away. She must find shelter for herself and Ruler.

            As the wind shifts, she sees an outlying barn set back a few hundred feet from the road. Leaving the buggy at the roadside, she leads Ruler to the barn. And there she finds that the wounded horse thief is the man she has loved and admired since she was a young girl. While Lilly does not condone Jacob’s theft of a horse, when she sees the condition of the horse and understands that Jacob stole it from its mean and abusive owner, she cannot help but admire his intent.

            Jacob had paid no attention to Lilly, over the years, as he had had eyes for only Sarah King, now the bride of the day. He knows he is expected to attend the wedding, and he knows that, under the best of circumstances, other attendees would have one eye on the happy couple, and one on the unhappy “ungroom.” Now, he will arrive very late, and under far less than the best of circumstances.

            Through a near-comedy of details, Jacob and Lilly eventually arrive at the wedding celebration, together, after the service and ceremony, as people are eating. Their arrival creates some stir, but not as much as the arrival of the local police close behind them. The first officer to enter is young and obviously ignorant of Amish society and the people who comprise it. He is as determined to get his man as the bishop is to move him out.

            By the time everything is sorted out, Jacob and Lilly find themselves engaged to be married, and the groom, a veterinarian, has discreetly disappeared with Jacob to tend to his wound. From there, Jacob and Lilly fend off questions about their presumed secret courtship, are subsequently married and begin the often painful process of learning to love and be loved.

            As unlikely as Jacob and Lilly’s situation seems to our Western culture, it offers a lesson to our general society. When they leave the wedding celebration, Lilly offers Jacob an “out,” by suggesting that they go together to see the bishop, the next day, to tell him the engagement is off. Jacob declines. He will marry her. Because of the statements each of them had made leading up to their surprise engagement, Lilly’s reputation will be ruined, if they do not marry. Jacob confesses that he probably never will love Lilly, as his heart will always belong to Sarah. Lilly accepts that, and the wedding is on.

            Divorce is not acceptable in Amish society, but couples anywhere always have the option of making the best, or the worst, of their marriage, where love is lacking or unrequited. Jacob and Lilly hold onto their Amish faith in God and their sense of honor. They will do whatever it takes to make a good marriage. We call that commitment. Having said, “I do,” they will keep the vows they made, which were unusual and tailored to the two individuals making them.

            Jacob and Lilly face challenges that can make or break them, as a couple. The process by which they become a true couple, in mutual love, trust and fidelity, makes the story worthwhile. I did enjoy Lilly’s Wedding Quilt, possibly not quite as much as I enjoyed the author’s first novel in the series, Sarah’s Garden. Or it might be that I have burned out on Amish romances, for a while, as I have read many, since reviewing Sarah’s Garden. If you’re a sucker for a good romance, you will enjoy this one.

 

Christians in Mixed-Gender Partnerships

Title: Bound & Determined: Christian Men and Women in Partnership *****
Author: Jeanene Reese
Published:  Leafwood Publishers, 2010
191 pages (includes Appendix and Study Guide)

One of my final graduate courses frequently required us to work cooperatively with two or more classmates.  I use the word cooperatively loosely.  Worked with one friend and another of his friends, I had little opportunity, if any, to express ideas, opinions, objections, or even a “Hey, guys!” – and I’m no shrinking violet.

            In another memorable experience, I partnered with three men.  I had previously worked well with two of them.  This time, we were joined by a third, and it went down hill, from there.  The third man quickly became so dominant—even domineering—that, before we were finished, he had told me that who I am has nothing to do with race or gender, but only the fact that I am an American.  When I challenged him, he escalated.  Not in many years had I felt, or been, so put down precisely for who I was.

            In Bound & Determined, Dr. Reese challenges the way men and women work together in schools, in family, and in ministry.  She challenges many of the common ideas about relationships between the sexes, including partnerships in ministry, marriage, and our stereotypical assumptions about persons of the opposite sex.  She calls us to re-examine God’s original design and where our assumptions come from, and consider how God wants us to change as a result of the new covenant.  As she says,

Too often, we joke around about our differences. . . .  It is much simpler to accept that women are from Venus and men from Mars than it is to work through the complexities of our interpersonal relationships.  It is easier to accept long-held traditional views than it is to give attention to what Scripture has to say about how and why we come together in these important relations (p. 22).

             Looking through the lenses of the creation account in Genesis, the Biblical narrative in the Hebrew Bible, and the new order in the New Testament, Reese re-examines a theology of partnership.  She sees male dominance over women as having arisen out of the Fall. The harmonious relationship of our first parents with each other and with God changed dramatically, when sin entered the world.  But was it to be changed forever?  The author asserts that the attitudes of each gender toward the other, and the usual role assignments and characteristics assigned to each, need to come into line with New Testament teaching and be reclaimed, in Christ Jesus.

Trusting God with Reality

Bruce began his own land survey business 10 years and three weeks ago, and it took off like a dog that's been trembling, eyes on the bunny rabbit, waiting obediently for the "Okay!" It never did actually level off, either; it just kept growing, each year's gross receipts significantly greater than the year before, right through 2007. After the first six months, Bruce told me I could quit teaching, anytime I wanted to. I taught one more semester, and that was it. At that point, his business became our business, and we have worked together, ever since.

The incredible success of our business paid off in several ways:
    - We got out of debt. Entirely. We paid off our house four or five years ago.
    - We began sponsoring children through Compassion International, which blesses us at least as much as it does the children.
    - We also enjoyed vacations in places we love to visit--tho' not "across the pond," as we often talked about.

The idea is simply that we were enjoying life, not in an extravagant way, but in ways that gave us the relaxation that Bruce desperately needed, because he worked so very hard; it also gave us the inner satisfaction of knowing we were contributing in some important areas.

In 2008 our gross receipts drop by 45%, but it was still a good year; nerve-wracking, but a year we would have died for, ten years earlier. And then we endured 2009. In my end-of-year tax-planning session with our accountant, last fall, after feeding in numbers, he said he'd "try to bring [us] up to minimum wage." It was a bad year, business-wise, because of the severity of the recession and continuing instability of the economy.

This year has been worse. The really bad part has been the anxiety I've had. I've prayed, often, acknowledging that God knows exactly what our needs are--which, if we were really talking about just our own needs, are really minimal. But I've faithfully "advised" Him of the state of affairs.  But we're still cutting more and more. This is not a bad thing.

You need to know

When I visited our family doctor, a few weeks ago, he walked into the exam' room with his usual cheery greeting, and then started to say something about what my husband had told him (non-medical, and nothing I didn't already know); he stopped himself, with an "Oops! I'm not even supposed to tell you I've seen him!"

Of course, since Bruce and I don't keep secrets from each other, and since each of us wants the other to be able to communicate with doctors, in the event of serious illness or accident, I said, "Oh, that's just silly!" Whereupon Doc' proceeded to tell me that, legally, unless each of us has signed a communication authorization, he can't say anything to either of us about the other. I picked up the form (2 copies) on my way out of the office, that day. Not only did we sign them, but because we didn't think they were inclusive enough, Bruce typed up a paragraph that pretty well says it all. Each of us signed one of those, as well, and I delivered them on my visit the next week. Each of us also included one other family member.

Apparently, most people make the same presumption: that we are the spouse or other family member (parent, adult child, or sibling--not necessarily restricted to those) and are entitled to information in the event a close family member is ill. We felt even more secure in that presumption, because we have signed reciprocal Powers of Attorney and "living wills," by whatever title. The presumptions simply are not correct, and I don't think that's just state law.

So, unless you have reason to want your doctor(s) to keep certain information confidential from your spouse and/or others, you might want to ask your doctor or his staff about signing something. You don't know when something might happen, and your doctor needs to know whom she or he can talk to freely, or within whatever bounds you set.

By the way, if you and your spouse have not signed those important legal documents, I don't care if you're 21 years old and expect to live for 60 more years, you need to sign them. Tomorrow would not be too soon to see an attorney!

Surviving the holidays

A number of years ago, I had a pastor who preached a particular sermon two years in a row, at this time of year; he may have preached the same one another time, as well. He spoke of the kinds of things that make the Thanksgiving-->Christmas-->New Years holiday season so stressful, for so many people.

I had learned much earlier that what the holidays hold in store for so many people is depression. It may stem from the very family gatherings that should be so joyful and that so often are anything but, as old, unresolved issues surface, yet again. Or the depression may arise in an "anniversary reaction": If something bad happened at the same time of year, whether one year or many years earlier, many people experience some of the same grief, all over again. Often, they don't even know why they are sad or depressed. For others, depression comes from their aloneness; if you are alone, look for someone else, someone in your church, perhaps, who is also alone (using wisdom, please!) Or volunteer to serve a meal to the many homeless among us.

My then-pastor made some recommendations that I would like to think some people followed.  I don't remember all of them, but among them were the suggestions that we all be kind to ourselves, during this season; one specific suggestion was that we not drink alcohol, or certainly, not to drink more of it to dull the pain.  People who make the rounds of parties and perhaps host their own may find it too easy to drink too much--not that they will necessarily fall down drunk or otherwise make fools of themselves, but too much, too often, through these 5 or 6 weeks.  And of course, there is the risk of drinking to the point of obvious drunkenness and the kind of behavior that costs people their jobs, marriages, or friendships.

I haven't even mentioned over-eating, which is another way to mask the pain.

Our current pastors also encourage families to avoid the madness of the season by not doing too much and spending too much.  The church models this by not putting on any of the typical kinds of programs: cantatas, plays, choral programs, etc.  Those are often so beautiful and such a blessing...but not necessarily to the people who take part in the productions. The rehearsals and, often, multiple performances take a serious toll on people's minds, bodies and family time.  And I don't believe these productions take place without cost to the church.

So I pass along these words of wisdom to you, my readers (all three of you):  Be good to yourself and to your family. Don't spend yourselves into debt or deeper into debt.  Give relationally, rather than giving stuff that won't last and won't even be appreciated by Jan. 1.  Spend time together as a family.  Don't drink, or if you do, keep it light and don't drive!!  Don't stuff yourself with food, just because it's there; eat sensibly.  (Will someone please remind me of this on or about 12/24/09?)  At those family gatherings, try doing more listening to what lies beneath the surface, especially if arguments arise.  Give hugs and assurances of love.  Remember Who the season is about and celebrate Him, rather than re-living unhappy times.  And...

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Blind side, the movie

We went to see this movie, today.  It's at least as good as I'd been hearing.  We think it ought to win Best Picture of the Year, but "they" don't ever ask us about those things.

The story it tells is as uplifting and heartwarming as any I've ever heard, I think.  And what I could not help but notice is that Christians and the Christian faith were presented in a positive light at a very practical level.  Usually, Hollywood represents "Christians" as either wimpy idiots, hypocrits or lunatics, and these people were represented as real folks, living out their faith.

By the way, Tim McGraw and Sandra Bullock were very believable, and while much of the movie was about her handling of people and situations, he was the great husband/best friend and supporter of a wife who could ride over him and not look back.  And I loved the way she handled her women friends, calling them on their snobbery and prejudice.  She pulled it off with such class, I'd like to take lessons from her!

I've no idea how accurately the movie portrays the family (including Michael Oher), but it is a great movie.  If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for?  Half time?

How Strong Is Your Life?

Title:  Find Your Strongest Life: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently

Author:  Marcus Buckingham

Publisher:  Thomas Nelson

Date:  2009

263 pages

 

Reading this book for review put me on a rollercoaster ride from start to finish.  It started somewhat strong, although not consistently so.  Then I encountered a paragraph in the third chapter that so rankled me that I wanted, quite literally, to throw the book at Marcus Buckingham.

 

In Chapter 3, "Of Choice and Men," Buckingham addresses some of the reasons that women grow increasingly unhappy as we age.  One of those reasons, it seems, can be boiled down to "Just Men." I sensed that the author has been so socialized by the feminist movement and "psychobabblers" and has accepted the idea that men are somehow inferior to and a burden on women.

 

Then there is "Housework," also in Chapter 3, which includes the "men" factor, again.  The author acknowledges the statistical trend showing that men take a more active part in both housework and child care than in the past, and here is his great tip for speeding up the trend:

But the other thing you can do is keep working. The research is quite clear on this point: the longer a woman has worked outside the house--meaning the number of years you've worked, not the number of hours a week you work--the more housework and cooking and child care the man does. Take your career seriously, and over time, it seems, so will he. (p. 37)

Granted, Buckingham is a statistician, but in my opinion, his perspective is based too narrowly on statistics, alone, and not on what is best for the family, the children, the marital relationship, or the dynamics in the home. He seems focused only on a way to get men to do more work around the old homestead, which seems manipulative, to me. I hope I'm wrong.

 

I take issue with some of his other opinions, but this is a book review, not a philosophical debate. So back to the book.

 

Reading this book was a struggle for me, until Part 3 - Strong Life Tactics - where all that preceded it began to come together better and make more sense for me. In Chapter 10, "Tactics for a Stronger Career," I found a page focused on finding our passion. As I read the page, I mentally traveled back to the late '90s.