Passions of the Soul

Divorced? Or Just "Put Away"?

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery" Matthew 5:31-32 (KJV).

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery" Matthew 5:31-32 (NIV).

The practice of putting away a wife was a cruel, utterly unloving act common among generations of God-fearing Jewish men. In these two verses, Jesus condemned the practice and told his listeners what was the right way--God's way.

What was cruel and unloving about putting away a wife? Some men, when they tired of a wife or she had displeased him, simply banished her to the back quarters, or to the concubine's quarters. They denied her all rights of marriage and treated her as something that could simply be thrown away. In many cases, they put the woman out on the streets, usually forcing her into prostitution or slavery in order to survive. These men provided no legal document granting her a divorce, which would have allowed her to be legally married to another man, and they robbed her of all dignity. And, in a practice that was even more unfair, the man usually took another wife. (See note at end of post.)

If the wife, cast into the streets, were to accept an offer of marriage to another man, they were both guilty of adultery; of course, if she simply offered her body to any man who would pay for the pleasure, she was an adulteress.

But Jesus said, "Look, gentlemen. If you insist on getting rid of your wife, at least give her a legal divorce, so she can retain some dignity and be free to marry, again, with no charge of adultery" (my paraphrase).

Notice the very first line in the King James Version: "Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement." If putting away and divorcing were the same thing, this command would make no sense, at all; it would be redundant, as in the New International Version and many other modern translations. It would rate a duh. Only in the last line of the KJV is the word for putting away translated divorced. That has to be an error in translation, as a certificate of divorce did allow a woman to marry again, and it allowed the man who married her to do so legally. No adultery was involved, as long as a legal divorce had been granted.

Trust Issues Abound in An Amish Wedding

Title:  An Amish Wedding ****
Author:  Beth Wiseman, Kathleen Fuller and Kelly Long
Published by Thomas Nelson, 2011
Kindle Edition

Trust Issues Abound in An Amish Wedding

An Amish Wedding consists of three novellas with characters who overlap from one story to the next. I have read previous Amish-based volumes of novellas, written by any or all of the same authors, and have enjoyed each of them very much. I like the continuity of characters, with the shifts in focus. This volume and its interwoven stories is no exception.

In "A Perfect Secret," Kelly Long opens with Rose's reaction to a perfectly unromantic proposal of marriage. Rose knows and understands all of his stated reasons, but she longs for a little romance. Luke seems utterly lacking in any such sensibilities. Rose is hampered by the belief that she knows Luke fully, because they have been best friends all their lives.

            Rose's secret desire for adventure sends her out in the night after the thief who has been stealing from the community, and who has now stolen the pies Rose had baked and set outside. Through her quest, we learn that Luke, too, has kept secrets from her, from his family, and from the community at large. These revelations set both Rose and Luke free to be who they are. They also relieve Luke of a burden he has carried and tried to meet all by himself. But will these revelations bode well for Rose and Luke's marriage?

Kathleen Fuller introduces us, in "A Perfect Match," to Naomi and Zeke. Naomi is 25 years old, which is really "old" for an unmarried Amish woman. She was once abandoned by the one man she thought she could ever love, and had built up strong defenses against being hurt, again. Zeke is a few years older, really old for an Amish man never to have married, but he has just been waiting for the one woman who could be his match.

            Zeke lives in another state and has come to visit for his cousin's wedding, and he is struck by Naomi right away. Naomi cannot deny that he is attractive and that they do hit it off well, but she has promised to help her friend Margaret "find a man." She tries to set up Margaret with Zeke, but that does not go well. Naomi has long been convinced that she could protect herself from being hurt, again--a common misbelief.

            Later, it seems more likely that Margaret has found her man than that Zeke will be able to win Naomi. Somehow, just saying, "You can trust me," isn't enough.

Beth Wiseman brings us "A Perfect Plan." Of course, no plan is ever really perfect or comes to perfect fulfillment.  In this case, hardly anything remains that could go wrong for Priscilla and Chester, as they approach their wedding day. Priscilla always wants everything to be perfect, but Chester's and Priscilla's plans face one disaster after another, through all the months of their preparations. They love and are committed to one another, but after so many things go wrong, each begins to question whether, in fact, they are supposed to marry each other. Could God be trying to tell them something?

I enjoyed these novellas, as I have enjoyed the other stories I have read by the same authors. I suspect developing stories and characters is more difficult in a novella than in a full-length novel, and I have enjoyed their novels even more. But I do recommend An Amish Wedding to readers who enjoy Christian, and specifically Amish, fiction.

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze Blogger program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

A Horse Thief Finds Love

Title:  Lilly’s Wedding Quilt: A Patch of Heaven Novel ****
Author:  Kelly Long
Published by Thomas Nelson, 2011
312 pages, paperback

            Jacob Wyse has just stolen a horse. This is not acceptable behavior in civilized society, and certainly not in an Old Order Amish community. The horse’s Englisch owner is none too pleased, either, venting his displeasure with a well-aimed gun.

             Lilly Lapp is late for the wedding of the season. Local police had come by, wanting to search her outlying property for the wounded horse thief. As if any Amish person would steal a horse! Well, it could happen, but . . . it was unlikely.

             So, now, she is trying to encourage her buggy horse, Ruler, to step lively, in the hope of reaching the home where the wedding is already in progress, before the storm gets too bad. But the rain turns to sleet, which then turns to snow; Ruler is uneasy, and the King family’s barn—the site of the wedding--is still two miles away. She must find shelter for herself and Ruler.

            As the wind shifts, she sees an outlying barn set back a few hundred feet from the road. Leaving the buggy at the roadside, she leads Ruler to the barn. And there she finds that the wounded horse thief is the man she has loved and admired since she was a young girl. While Lilly does not condone Jacob’s theft of a horse, when she sees the condition of the horse and understands that Jacob stole it from its mean and abusive owner, she cannot help but admire his intent.

            Jacob had paid no attention to Lilly, over the years, as he had had eyes for only Sarah King, now the bride of the day. He knows he is expected to attend the wedding, and he knows that, under the best of circumstances, other attendees would have one eye on the happy couple, and one on the unhappy “ungroom.” Now, he will arrive very late, and under far less than the best of circumstances.

            Through a near-comedy of details, Jacob and Lilly eventually arrive at the wedding celebration, together, after the service and ceremony, as people are eating. Their arrival creates some stir, but not as much as the arrival of the local police close behind them. The first officer to enter is young and obviously ignorant of Amish society and the people who comprise it. He is as determined to get his man as the bishop is to move him out.

            By the time everything is sorted out, Jacob and Lilly find themselves engaged to be married, and the groom, a veterinarian, has discreetly disappeared with Jacob to tend to his wound. From there, Jacob and Lilly fend off questions about their presumed secret courtship, are subsequently married and begin the often painful process of learning to love and be loved.

            As unlikely as Jacob and Lilly’s situation seems to our Western culture, it offers a lesson to our general society. When they leave the wedding celebration, Lilly offers Jacob an “out,” by suggesting that they go together to see the bishop, the next day, to tell him the engagement is off. Jacob declines. He will marry her. Because of the statements each of them had made leading up to their surprise engagement, Lilly’s reputation will be ruined, if they do not marry. Jacob confesses that he probably never will love Lilly, as his heart will always belong to Sarah. Lilly accepts that, and the wedding is on.

            Divorce is not acceptable in Amish society, but couples anywhere always have the option of making the best, or the worst, of their marriage, where love is lacking or unrequited. Jacob and Lilly hold onto their Amish faith in God and their sense of honor. They will do whatever it takes to make a good marriage. We call that commitment. Having said, “I do,” they will keep the vows they made, which were unusual and tailored to the two individuals making them.

            Jacob and Lilly face challenges that can make or break them, as a couple. The process by which they become a true couple, in mutual love, trust and fidelity, makes the story worthwhile. I did enjoy Lilly’s Wedding Quilt, possibly not quite as much as I enjoyed the author’s first novel in the series, Sarah’s Garden. Or it might be that I have burned out on Amish romances, for a while, as I have read many, since reviewing Sarah’s Garden. If you’re a sucker for a good romance, you will enjoy this one.

 

Christians in Mixed-Gender Partnerships

Title: Bound & Determined: Christian Men and Women in Partnership *****
Author: Jeanene Reese
Published:  Leafwood Publishers, 2010
191 pages (includes Appendix and Study Guide)

One of my final graduate courses frequently required us to work cooperatively with two or more classmates.  I use the word cooperatively loosely.  Worked with one friend and another of his friends, I had little opportunity, if any, to express ideas, opinions, objections, or even a “Hey, guys!” – and I’m no shrinking violet.

            In another memorable experience, I partnered with three men.  I had previously worked well with two of them.  This time, we were joined by a third, and it went down hill, from there.  The third man quickly became so dominant—even domineering—that, before we were finished, he had told me that who I am has nothing to do with race or gender, but only the fact that I am an American.  When I challenged him, he escalated.  Not in many years had I felt, or been, so put down precisely for who I was.

            In Bound & Determined, Dr. Reese challenges the way men and women work together in schools, in family, and in ministry.  She challenges many of the common ideas about relationships between the sexes, including partnerships in ministry, marriage, and our stereotypical assumptions about persons of the opposite sex.  She calls us to re-examine God’s original design and where our assumptions come from, and consider how God wants us to change as a result of the new covenant.  As she says,

Too often, we joke around about our differences. . . .  It is much simpler to accept that women are from Venus and men from Mars than it is to work through the complexities of our interpersonal relationships.  It is easier to accept long-held traditional views than it is to give attention to what Scripture has to say about how and why we come together in these important relations (p. 22).

             Looking through the lenses of the creation account in Genesis, the Biblical narrative in the Hebrew Bible, and the new order in the New Testament, Reese re-examines a theology of partnership.  She sees male dominance over women as having arisen out of the Fall. The harmonious relationship of our first parents with each other and with God changed dramatically, when sin entered the world.  But was it to be changed forever?  The author asserts that the attitudes of each gender toward the other, and the usual role assignments and characteristics assigned to each, need to come into line with New Testament teaching and be reclaimed, in Christ Jesus.

Trusting God with Reality

Bruce began his own land survey business 10 years and three weeks ago, and it took off like a dog that's been trembling, eyes on the bunny rabbit, waiting obediently for the "Okay!" It never did actually level off, either; it just kept growing, each year's gross receipts significantly greater than the year before, right through 2007. After the first six months, Bruce told me I could quit teaching, anytime I wanted to. I taught one more semester, and that was it. At that point, his business became our business, and we have worked together, ever since.

The incredible success of our business paid off in several ways:
    - We got out of debt. Entirely. We paid off our house four or five years ago.
    - We began sponsoring children through Compassion International, which blesses us at least as much as it does the children.
    - We also enjoyed vacations in places we love to visit--tho' not "across the pond," as we often talked about.

The idea is simply that we were enjoying life, not in an extravagant way, but in ways that gave us the relaxation that Bruce desperately needed, because he worked so very hard; it also gave us the inner satisfaction of knowing we were contributing in some important areas.

In 2008 our gross receipts drop by 45%, but it was still a good year; nerve-wracking, but a year we would have died for, ten years earlier. And then we endured 2009. In my end-of-year tax-planning session with our accountant, last fall, after feeding in numbers, he said he'd "try to bring [us] up to minimum wage." It was a bad year, business-wise, because of the severity of the recession and continuing instability of the economy.

This year has been worse. The really bad part has been the anxiety I've had. I've prayed, often, acknowledging that God knows exactly what our needs are--which, if we were really talking about just our own needs, are really minimal. But I've faithfully "advised" Him of the state of affairs.  But we're still cutting more and more. This is not a bad thing.

You need to know

When I visited our family doctor, a few weeks ago, he walked into the exam' room with his usual cheery greeting, and then started to say something about what my husband had told him (non-medical, and nothing I didn't already know); he stopped himself, with an "Oops! I'm not even supposed to tell you I've seen him!"

Of course, since Bruce and I don't keep secrets from each other, and since each of us wants the other to be able to communicate with doctors, in the event of serious illness or accident, I said, "Oh, that's just silly!" Whereupon Doc' proceeded to tell me that, legally, unless each of us has signed a communication authorization, he can't say anything to either of us about the other. I picked up the form (2 copies) on my way out of the office, that day. Not only did we sign them, but because we didn't think they were inclusive enough, Bruce typed up a paragraph that pretty well says it all. Each of us signed one of those, as well, and I delivered them on my visit the next week. Each of us also included one other family member.

Apparently, most people make the same presumption: that we are the spouse or other family member (parent, adult child, or sibling--not necessarily restricted to those) and are entitled to information in the event a close family member is ill. We felt even more secure in that presumption, because we have signed reciprocal Powers of Attorney and "living wills," by whatever title. The presumptions simply are not correct, and I don't think that's just state law.

So, unless you have reason to want your doctor(s) to keep certain information confidential from your spouse and/or others, you might want to ask your doctor or his staff about signing something. You don't know when something might happen, and your doctor needs to know whom she or he can talk to freely, or within whatever bounds you set.

By the way, if you and your spouse have not signed those important legal documents, I don't care if you're 21 years old and expect to live for 60 more years, you need to sign them. Tomorrow would not be too soon to see an attorney!

The Heavy Hand of Fate - A Book Review

Title: Hand of Fate: A Triple Threat Novel *****
Authors: Lis Wiehl with April Henry
Published by Thomas Nelson, 2010
293 pages

I once heard that the difference between a connoiseur of fine wine and a drunk is that the connoiseur takes the bottle out of the brown paper bag. I am not a connoiseur of anything, let alone mysteries and thrillers, but Hand of Fate is both, and it lived up to its promise as a page-turner. I was sorry to come to the end of the book, and as soon as I finished reading it, I wanted to start over. I also wanted to read its predecessor, Face of Betrayal, the first of the Triple Threat Novels. Now, I am nearing the end of that book, as well, and can't wait for the next one.

Reading Hand of Fate prior to reading Face of Betrayal could have left me handicapped in terms of getting to know the main characters. That was not the case, as they were well introduced and developed. The Triple Threat consists of Allison, a federal prosecutor; Nicole, an FBI special agent; and Cassidy, a crime reporter for Channel 4 news; all live in Portland, OR. The three women knew each other, somewhat, in high school, but not until they discovered--at a class reunion--their mutual interest in crime did they begin to form a real friendship. Now, because they complement each other in solving crimes, they have dubbed themselves "The Triple Threat."

How the three women piece together exactly what happened, learn what actually killed Jim Fate and caused serious panic in the city, and find the true identity of the killer make Hand of Fate so hard to put down. How each of them also confronts her personal issues, and how they all eventually share with each other their personal strengths and weaknesses, make it a great story of hope and the freedom found in facing the truth.

A Christian thread runs through the novel, primarily in the characters of Allison and her husband Marshall. I like the way Allison's faith is treated: She is never pushy, never sanctimonious, but never afraid to express her faith.

The end of the book held a couple of surprises. Author Lis Wiehl included copies of a few notes she received from friends in the news media, e.g., Bill O'Rielly and Mark Levin, among others. To my pleasure, the authors have also provided a number of questions as a guide for reading groups.

If you enjoy mysteries and thrillers at all, and especially if you are a re-reader, buy the book. It's well worth the money.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their Book Review Blogger program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Surviving the holidays

A number of years ago, I had a pastor who preached a particular sermon two years in a row, at this time of year; he may have preached the same one another time, as well. He spoke of the kinds of things that make the Thanksgiving-->Christmas-->New Years holiday season so stressful, for so many people.

I had learned much earlier that what the holidays hold in store for so many people is depression. It may stem from the very family gatherings that should be so joyful and that so often are anything but, as old, unresolved issues surface, yet again. Or the depression may arise in an "anniversary reaction": If something bad happened at the same time of year, whether one year or many years earlier, many people experience some of the same grief, all over again. Often, they don't even know why they are sad or depressed. For others, depression comes from their aloneness; if you are alone, look for someone else, someone in your church, perhaps, who is also alone (using wisdom, please!) Or volunteer to serve a meal to the many homeless among us.

My then-pastor made some recommendations that I would like to think some people followed.  I don't remember all of them, but among them were the suggestions that we all be kind to ourselves, during this season; one specific suggestion was that we not drink alcohol, or certainly, not to drink more of it to dull the pain.  People who make the rounds of parties and perhaps host their own may find it too easy to drink too much--not that they will necessarily fall down drunk or otherwise make fools of themselves, but too much, too often, through these 5 or 6 weeks.  And of course, there is the risk of drinking to the point of obvious drunkenness and the kind of behavior that costs people their jobs, marriages, or friendships.

I haven't even mentioned over-eating, which is another way to mask the pain.

Our current pastors also encourage families to avoid the madness of the season by not doing too much and spending too much.  The church models this by not putting on any of the typical kinds of programs: cantatas, plays, choral programs, etc.  Those are often so beautiful and such a blessing...but not necessarily to the people who take part in the productions. The rehearsals and, often, multiple performances take a serious toll on people's minds, bodies and family time.  And I don't believe these productions take place without cost to the church.

So I pass along these words of wisdom to you, my readers (all three of you):  Be good to yourself and to your family. Don't spend yourselves into debt or deeper into debt.  Give relationally, rather than giving stuff that won't last and won't even be appreciated by Jan. 1.  Spend time together as a family.  Don't drink, or if you do, keep it light and don't drive!!  Don't stuff yourself with food, just because it's there; eat sensibly.  (Will someone please remind me of this on or about 12/24/09?)  At those family gatherings, try doing more listening to what lies beneath the surface, especially if arguments arise.  Give hugs and assurances of love.  Remember Who the season is about and celebrate Him, rather than re-living unhappy times.  And...

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Blind side, the movie

We went to see this movie, today.  It's at least as good as I'd been hearing.  We think it ought to win Best Picture of the Year, but "they" don't ever ask us about those things.

The story it tells is as uplifting and heartwarming as any I've ever heard, I think.  And what I could not help but notice is that Christians and the Christian faith were presented in a positive light at a very practical level.  Usually, Hollywood represents "Christians" as either wimpy idiots, hypocrits or lunatics, and these people were represented as real folks, living out their faith.

By the way, Tim McGraw and Sandra Bullock were very believable, and while much of the movie was about her handling of people and situations, he was the great husband/best friend and supporter of a wife who could ride over him and not look back.  And I loved the way she handled her women friends, calling them on their snobbery and prejudice.  She pulled it off with such class, I'd like to take lessons from her!

I've no idea how accurately the movie portrays the family (including Michael Oher), but it is a great movie.  If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for?  Half time?

I want to grow older...better

The current sermon series at our church is based in the Old Testament book of Proverbs, also known as some of the "Wisdom Literature." It's just amazing how much of the book focuses on the tongue--how we use it, how we use our words--with many admonitions to be careful.  Consider, for example, 4:24 - Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips."  Among the seven things that are "detestable to [God]" are "haughty eyes [and] a lying tongue" (6:17).

In Chapter 10, we learn that "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise" (v19).  (I talk too much!)  "The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value. The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment" (v20, 21). 

The scriptural admonitions about the need to tame the tongue, choose our words wisely, and so on, are not limited to the Proverbs.  In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul admonishes believers to "put off falsehood and speak truthfully"; to let no "unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs"; to be kind to one another; not to sin in our anger; to "get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice; to "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other..." (all found in Ephesians 4:25-32).  In 5:4, he tells us, "Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving." 

James, an apostle and the brother of Jesus and leader of the early Christian Church, spoke of the need to tame the tongue, which he likens to a very small rudder of a ship, and to the spark of fire that can destroy an entire forest (3:3-6).  "The tongue . . . corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell" (v6).

Contrary to what we learned as children, how we speak to or about other people is so important.  Remember what we were told, as kids, when another child had said something unkind to us?  "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  What a lie!  In fact, Prov. 18:21 tells us "The tongue has the power of life and death."  I'm not proud to admit this, but I had friends, in the past, who were actually in awe of my ability to cut someone down to size, verbally, in anger.  But is that what I want on a grave marker?  No.  No.

Someone told me long ago that, as we humans age, we become increasingly the way we are when we are young; sweet people grow sweeter, angry people grow angrier and more crotchety, etc.  I don't like the theory, because it leaves little or no room for people to learn and grow.  Worse, it fails to take